I am renewed at the seaside. Cape Cod, Massachusetts in spring is emerging from the harshness of winter. The temperature rises, the ice and snow has melted and the horseshoe crabs come out to mate.
Somethings never change. The sea changes each moment.
Why is it that those closest to us hurt us the most deeply? Do I set my expectations too high and then am disappointed? What I love about this place is the ability to feel alone. I mean really alone. I suppose it is a different environment in summer.
To be able to be alone with my thoughts, to cry out to G*D. To pray, or praise, or petition Him is good to do alone. It was worth waking at 4:44 when all the rest were still dreaming dreams and put on my pink, water shoes, my jacket with pockets and drive with the dog down to the sea.
The sea gave the dog a gift. A tennis ball washed up and he played fetch with me until the smell of a dead gull caught his attention. We walked together, the dog and me in our own and different thoughts. What do dogs dream of? I know ours loves to chase UPS trucks and Volkswagen's. He loves to lick the bacon grease out of the pan. He loves leather, work gloves. He loves to chase birds and cats. He likes to be with his pack. I am alpha to him.
The sea gave me gifts too. Empty shells, the sunrise, a lone fisherman who greeted me with a smile, cool sand beneath my feet and the ever constant sounds of the waves of water lapping the shore. It also gave me the gift of solitude. My life is ever noisy, ever busy, ever constant movement. My quiet times are rare and as summer vacation draws near, even rarer.
I am in the midst of tremendous change. I am leaving the sea I love. I am leaving the garden of roots that go deep. I am leaving and change will occur. It is inevitable. Friendships will change because of distance. Not the distance of our hearts, the distance of proximity. I am grieving. Yes, we'll have Facebook. Yes, we'll have email and snail mail. But, we won't have the spontaneity of watching a matinee together, of going out for tea, to meeting each other at the used book store or even sharing the same weather.
I am leaving one of my dearest friends. She is my soul sister. I miss her already. I'm one to have a very small circle of friends who really know me. She is one.
There are people who have known me for years and they REALLY don't KNOW me! Or maybe they really don't UNDERSTAND me. Maybe that is the difference. Then there are those dear people we connect with immediately. Deep to deep.
Life is predictable in its unpredictability. I began reading Joan Didion's
The Year of Magical Thinking a few nights ago. She opens with, "Life changes fast. Life changes in the instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends".
Thankfully, I have prepared for this change.
The reason I have not been posting as often is we are moving to the middle, north of our country.
A new adventure awaits.
I have never been far from the sea. Soon I will be.
